Second

Mother’s Day.

When I think of Mother’s Day my heart is heavy.

My mind races to sweet Mother’s Day memories

When we Just had our 2 biological boys.

The day was special, wonderful, and full of precious moments.

When you welcome a child, from hard places, into your world,

Your reality changes in ways you never imagined.

The idea of Mother’s Day for that child, is one of conflict,

Greif, confusion, sadness.

And, for you,  a reminder of the harsh reality,

That you are second.

You are the less.

It is a natural response to the broken system,

A world in which mother cannot mother her child.

For whatever reason, she was unable to parent the child,

And you are there now, in that role,

Loving, nurturing, pouring into her

Heart. Life. Mind.

In her mind, you just don’t measure up.

And why should you.

This is just one of the many hard things about adoption.

Mother’s Day, last year, was my first experience with this complex reality.

We had just left the honeymoon stage of our time with our new love.

She had lived with us for just over a month and she was fragile.

Fragile in size and emotions.

She was weary and nervous.

She was broken and bruised.

When Mother’s Day arrived, I had to think about the silent partner.

Her biological mother.

The woman who I have never met,

But am so grateful to for giving life to my beautiful

Little girl.

Our little girl.

Without this woman, I would never know my precious

Little lady, who has taught me so much in the last year.

A woman who is likely thinking of her on this holiday.

I was expecting Mother’s Day to be hard for our daughter,

But I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be on me.

The day was hard.

It was tragic.

We bought balloons, for her bio mom,

And sent them into the sky, after we prayed for her.

We watched them fly into the distance and we celebrated

Birthmom for a moment.

We acknowledged her presence and thanked God for her.

Thanked Him for bringing our daughter to us and prayed for protection over biomom.

That she was safe and God would draw her to Himself.

We wanted to acknowledge her, because she is important.

We wanted to show our daughter that her biomom is special,

And we were thankful for her.

I had no idea that it would hurt so much.

Each moment I spent with my kids, that day,

Was a constant reminder that there was a woman,

Who wasn’t with her child on that day.

I felt like an imposter.

Like I stepped into a role that I stole from someone else.

I felt inadequate and guilty.

The idea of being apart from my kids, was unthinkable,

So as the day continued on, I grew more and more sad.

Our daughter struggled so much that day.

She was torn between loyalty and her new reality.

She had no voice in her situation.

Yet, it was her life that was uprooted and put into the hands of a new

Family.

She had to learn us.

She had to be brave.

She had to move on.

When this happens, there is a tremendous amount of grief.

Grief, in a child, is the most tragic, because they don’t

Know how to deal with it.

They don’t have words to explain these feelings they can’t process.

It takes over every inch of their tiny bodies and they can’t cope.

If I have learned anything over the last year,

 I have learned that parenting a child, from hard places,

Requires therapeutic parenting.

Everything goes back to the heart.

There is not one area of her life that is not affected by the

Trauma that is the result of breaking the ties of birthmom and child.

 As Mother’s Day approaches,

I find myself in fearful anticipation.

I know this will be a hard day for our daughter.

I know she will be thinking of her first mom.

I know her heart will break.

If I am being honest, I would have to say, I am not looking forward to Mother’s Day.

Last year was an unending cycle of pain and suffering.

It was tragic.

Gearing up to face the day, I evaluate where we stand.

We have rebuilt many layers of development that were

Missed before she came to live with us.

There has been a tremendous amount of healing and growth.

I know I will always be Mommy #2,

And my hearts desire is to embrace that.

To cherish the special role God has given me.

I pray that God will grant our sweet girl peace and comfort throughout the day.

I pray that I will show her love beyond measure and

That she will know that her birthmom is an important part of who she is,

And that we are okay with that.

If you know a foster or adoptive Mom,

Please remember that this will be a hard day.

Send them love and encouragement.

Pray for them.

And love on them.

We need the support.

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