Finding The Beauty

It was a brisk, cold day.

Snow covered my lawn.

I had a tiny secret that filled my mind with awe.

No one knew my secret as I walked through the store.

I was there to buy a card,

So I could go home and write a note.

To finally share my secret

With my husband and I wrote…

Words poured like rain,

Bursting forth from a cloud.

I wrote to him of our baby,

Nestled deep within my womb.

I paced the halls, as I waited for him to come home.

I handed him the card.

Silence fell as he read every word.

His expression was complex as he took me in his arms.

We laughed.

We smiled.

Even shed some tears.

I felt the bliss of motherhood for the first time that day.

We celebrated!

I went to the doctor the very next week.

There in the room, my doctor and I

Heard a sweet sound,

A tiny being appeared on a fuzzy screen.

A body, a blur,

My baby girl.

A picture was printed.

One tiny image of proof.

I got to my car and sobbed for joy.

So much joy.

Only 2 months before was I told I may never be able to get pregnant.

Now I had a baby.

With a heartbeat.

A life, growing inside of me.

I had a new purpose.

The next few weeks were perfect.

Baby clothes were purchased and washed.

A few supplies too.

Our home started to transform somehow.

Finally it was time to “see” my baby again.

I had invited my mom to come with me to hear the heartbeat

And see the ultrasound.

We waited to be called back.

My heart was heavy.

I knew something was wrong.

I knew.

We entered the exam room.

My heart was SO VERY heavy.

My mom could sense my tension and asked what was wrong.

I told her, “something is wrong with my baby”.

Moments later the doctor confirmed,

My baby was gone.

Just like that.

I broke out in hives.

Decisions had to be made.

Right away.

I was sent to another office for another ultrasound immediately.

I prayed, pleaded, and begged,

That my doctor was wrong.

Oh, how I wish he had been.

He wasn’t.

My baby was gone.

This moment changed me.

It changed the way I viewed the world.

The way I saw God.

It clouded my faith and distorted my trust.

It crippled me.

I had so many questions, but no answers.

I had to move on, but how.

I pushed my fears deep down into the deepest parts of me.

The nooks and crannies that are guarded so well.

Almost a year from the day we lost our baby,

Noah arrived.

He looked healthy, but was not.

He stayed in the hospital NICU for 8 days.

I took these emotions and filed them deep into my vault.

14 months later, Collin was born.

He made his arrival 4 weeks early.

He stayed in the NICU for 5 days.

I was getting really good about suppressing my pain,

So I did.

Then this year happened.

2011.

The unexpected death of my mother in law.

Then the separation and pending divorce of my brother and sister in law.

The vault was breaking.

It could hold no more pain.

It was no longer a secure place for all that hurt me most.

The pain slipped through the cracks of the weakened walls of my secret hell.

It oozed throughout my body.

It made my brain sick.

Nothing was working right.

Nothing.

I felt scared.

I was trusting God.

With almost everything.

I have held onto my loss so tightly,

Clinging to the only thing that I had of my baby.

The precious life blotted out before a single breath filled her lungs.

Earlier this week it occurred to me that I am so focused on her death,

I had never celebrated her life.

In doing so, I was doing the one thing which I was terrified would happened.

I had forgotten who she was.

I had forgotten she was a gift,

If only for  a short time.

She was fearfully and wonderfully made.

She was made in God’s image.

She was loved.

She was desired.

She was a beautiful expression of the precious love between Aaron and I.

While my heart longs for her,

It no longer wants to remember her death over the beauty of her life.

Finding the beauty

In a world full of grey, darkened by the haze of grief

Had been impossible.

I was holding onto what could have been and not the miracle that was.

Wow!

I am finding beauty in the promises found and proclaimed in God’s word.

While her life was short, it was the life God created

FOR HER TO LIVE.

To God be the glory,

Because we are here for HIS glory, not our plans or our will.

Thank God for that.

I sit here today, pouring my heart out to you,

Sensing a change in the deepest parts of my soul.

I honestly feel the joy that comes from life and am ready to

Surrender the pain.

I am laying it at His feet.

I wish I could put into words the ease of breathing this brings.

I wish I could show you how to do it,

I can’t.

Goodness knows, people who love me deeply have tried to tell me for years.

All I can do is testify of God’s healing power and pray that encourages you too.

God is who he says He is.

If I cling to that, and not to the things of this life that are a result of sin,

How much freedom and joy will that bring?

I cannot imagine, but I am eager to find out!

Will you join me?

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6 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    eaglejim said,

    As I type through my tears I want you to know how very much I love you and all three of my grandchildren. God is so good. What a special blessing awaits you in heaven to hold the child your arms long for while you both are embraced in the arms of The Savior who longs to hold you.

  2. 2

    Erin said,

    Well, you have me in tears. She was fearfully and wonderfully made, and she lived, and she lives.

  3. 3

    I don’t even know what to say. I am thankful for the life you share and the blessings I have as a result of knowing you. ❤

  4. 4

    Phil Dell said,

    Some answers never come. I think one of the reasons you suffer so, is that you have such a wonderful capacity to love your children. It is palpable. The ability to love and feel and be aware and be in tune comes with a price; you love, and feel, and are aware, and are in tune with the feelings and realities of this world that surround you. You feel the pain, the sadness, the joy and the gladness too. You know the difference because you’ve been to both places. If you’d never experienced joy, you would not know pain was abnormal. Some people want to be numb to avoid the pain. They also miss the joy and beaury of worship. God bless you. You are a precious child of a complicated God in a complex world of contrasts. Rosie never got over the loss of our girl either. I’m sure the mothers who carry them, are more connected to their children than anyone.

  5. 5

    Deanna said,

    Amen, friend. I pray that the peace you have shared with us in this and connecting with these feelings will carry you through until you’re able to hold that precious girl in your arms. Praise God for his mercy and grace. And praise God for you, Becky, for sharing with all of us. Blessings to you and ALL of your children.

  6. 6

    Words just aren’t seaming to come to me.
    Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being you. I am so blessed to have you in my life. To have such an amazing friend. I love you. Thank you for just being YOU.


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