Holding Onto Hope

I am not sure about this post.

It will be personal.

It will be raw.

It will hurt my heart to acknowledge and hopefully heal part of it as well.

I went out for coffee with a couple girlfriends tonight.

Dear friends, that tell you like it is,

No matter if you don’t want to hear it.

The kind of friends who care deeply for you and the matters of your heart and ask the tough questions.

One of my friends asked me a question about the baby I lost.

She asked a simple question, but I couldn’t hold back the tears.

I could tell she felt bad, but I the tears were needed.

My heart breaks when I think about this baby.

I mourn as much today as I did nearly 8 years ago when I found out our baby was gone.

It is like my grief is frozen in time and I don’t know how to move through it.

I cannot seem to wrap my brain around this loss.

My baby died very early in my pregnancy.

Around 8 weeks.

The thought of my baby dying, while in the protective covering of my womb,

Is confusing to me.

It brings about many emotions.

I get frustrated with myself because I don’t know how to move past this lost.

I can’t seem to process the grief.

Our baby would have celebrated her 7th birthday had she lived.

7 years and I still can hardly talk about her.

How can I grieve so deeply for a baby that I never held?

Never kissed.

Never even laid eyes on.

How do you move through grief of a baby who was only part of your life for such a short time.

I miss my baby.

It hurts to think about her.

To wonder what she looked like.

To wonder what her personality would have been like.

To wonder if she was in fact a “she”.

I feel so alone in this pain.

That is the main reason for this post.

One think I have learned from being candid on my blog is that I am

Not alone.

So often we go through life feeling alone in our feelings, concerns, or sadness.

That is usually not the case.

The feeling of being alone in this situation makes me feel so sad.

That means other people are upset too and sharing my story may encourage or help others.

I never know how God will use the things I feel He wants me to share here,

I just know I need to share what is laid on my heart.

He will make sure those who need to see it do.

If you are hurting tonight, please know you are not alone.

Your situation may be similar or completely different than the struggle I am having right now,

But know you are not alone.

Part of me thinks I am holding onto the grief because it is the only part of her life I remember.

I never felt her move.

I never saw her arms and legs.

I only know the pain of losing her.

I think that losing the freshness of my grief, means losing more of her.

I have nothing to remember her by.

I have 1 ultrasound picture taken at 5 weeks.

I have no piece of her.

Not one.

So I think I cling to the pain of loosing her to keep her fresh in my mind.

I don’t know if this makes sense.

Tonight my heart is heavy and I am praying the promises of a God who is always there.

A God who is holding me in His arms as He was the day He called her home.

I know He has a plan and there is comfort like that.

I am holding onto the hope that He is who He says He is and will be the same forever.


6 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    You’re so blessed to have friends that care deeply for you. I too lost a baby, a boy named Andrew. He was full term and I still hurt at times and always on what would have been his birthday.Some years more deeply than others.

    I didn’t get to hold him in my arms but often believe that I held him in my womb and heart for as long as God allowed me to carry his precious body.

    He would have been 31 this October, only 16 months younger than Erik. I hurt the deepest when a very young Erik asked me why I didn’t have a brother for him, all I could say to him was I tried. They didn’t give me the ultra sound of him, but I have the knowledge that he went before any of us to live with God, and that gives me peace.

  2. 2

    Laura said,

    Grief is real and personal. And, yes, holding onto how you felt, eight years ago, keeps her real to you…and that’s okay. I get how that works.

    When I worked at the Women’s Centre, I went to several training conferences. Among many things I learnt there was this: Moms know. Long before there can be an ultrasound, Moms know who their children are, whether a Boy or a Girl. So in counseling, Becky, we always ask the Moms who their Children were. And they almost always have an immediate answer…even after 20, or 30 years. This may sound fantastical, but I have seen this too many times not to believe it. God’s ways are mysterious, and beyond our understanding…and the comfort He gives us in our grief can be profound. Pray about that. I’ll bet God will answer you about your Child.

    I also pray God shows you that you are not alone. {hugs}

  3. 3

    Jenny said,

    I know this sounds trite but we have to face our loss and pain and then open it up to God and allow Him to use it for His honor and glory. Sister, I feel like my whole life is pain some times. I think of my loneliness. My lack of support. My lack of children. My lack of health. The lack of answers to any of it. I have to face it and acknowledge it for what it is and then ask God to use it, to redeem it for His glory. Lately, I have realized that God has blessed me a myriad of new teenage children through this ministry. My heart still breaks for the children I so desperately want to carry and raise but right now, this is God’s plan. Now, I could go find someone who doesn’t meet His approval and have my dream of children but it wouldn’t be right. My dream and His dream need to agree. I don’t know why He takes things away from us except that He always gives us something else. It doesn’t replace our dream or even our loss but it redeems it into something beautiful, something with extreme eternal significance that is beyond anything we could have imagined. Our heart’s break, that is the cost of this human condition and the curse of sin. Only when we truly acknowledge the loss does He open our eyes to His redemption of that which was lost. I am not trying to preach, just to add what I have learned from the gaping holes caused by loss in my life.

  4. 4

    Deanna said,

    Dearest Becky–my heart weeps and my arms ache alongside yours to hold our angels. Our humanity doesn’t allow us the full understanding of God’s plan for these kinds of things. But our faith calls us to answer YES to His asking, “Are you willing to give me thanks for that which I may never give you the privilege of understanding?” Throughout the trauma and horror of our five losses, I struggled to figure out His plan for what was happening and why it continued to happen multiple times. I relived those terrible moments over and over until I nearly made myself crazy.

    And then, at some point, I surrendered. I surrendered myself to His plan. I stopped trying to figure it out. I stopped torturing myself as if *I’d* done something wrong (because it is very easy to blame one’s self in low times, especially conerning pregnancy loss; a mama’s heart and body are undeniably connected to that of her child). I stopped asking God to give me a live baby to hold in my arms and asked him to relieve my heart of the pain. I stopped asking him to *end* my suffering and started asking him to *use* my suffering for His plan. I stopped praying for what *I* wanted and started praying to become through this what *He* wanted me to become.

    That process wasn’t pretty, there was no orchestral movie music, it didn’t happen quickly, and I certainly don’t think it’s done (nor will it ever be). But throughout this process, I’ve come to find myself in a true “relationship” with my babies. Not in a creepy, walking-dolls-in-strollers-around-the-block kind of way, but in a fullness-of-heart kind of way. I thought my heart was irreparably broken when we lost Sam, then Gabriel, then Laura, then Joy, then Erin. The hole was very deep and to climb out seemed impossible. But as I’ve clawed my way out, I’ve found those gaping holes in my heart to be filling up with a different kind of love. I’ve come to love those babies for what they’ve taught me, how they’ve directed my path, and how God has used their short (but amazing) lives to influence so many others’ lives. Their lives have blessed so many others and without them, God’s plan may not have been fulfilled so how can I not rejoice in that?! So now, that chapter of our family story is no longer JUST filled with tears and gutteral cries of loss and sadness. There is joy and anticipation and hope woven into the story of our babies and for that, I’m ever thankful.

    Now, I am not foolish enough to believe that I will never be sad or cry or ache for those babies again, because I do. I’m their Mama! Oh, how I LONG to hold them in my arms to this very moment. But until that day comes, I know that they are being held in the very same arms that held me when I couldn’t hold myself through the pain of losing them. And there’s truly no better place for them to be.

    I think I shared this when you we visited last but I’ll share it again.

    We don’t know what God’ plan is and we aren’t promised that we’ll like it. We’re just asked to TRUST IT. Becky, the Lord is using your blog to reach many whom you may not know are reading and following. I want to encourage you to keep posting and being transparent. Thank you for being raw and unedited. You don’t know who is reading and while that can sometimes be intimidating, the opportunity there to change lives is incredible. Someone may read this post tonight and be encouraged by your story, feel compelled to share in your grief, feel less isolated in her own suffering, and share her story with someone else. And in doing so, your daughter’s life has already been fulfilled. Maybe you’re re-writing her story here tonight so you don’t have just the grief to remember. And what a story that will be. I can’t wait to see how it unfolds. Thank you for inviting us all on that journey.

    Blessings to you and your ENTIRE family.

  5. 5

    jessica said,

    Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

    This is the verse I cling to. We are inexplicably linked to heaven and eternity itself. And we teach those around us how to really love and live in the moment and treasure our children because only those who have lost REALLY understand the gift that they are. We know firsthand that His strength is made perfect in our weakness and somehow He takes this mess that I still am and pours out His grace and uses me anyway. And one day, one day we will grieve no more…

    Love you Becky.

  6. 6

    Pain and grief is real. There is nothing wrong with it. My grandmother had a stillborn that she never met. (they knocked them out back then) she talked about her daily. She talked about what she would have looked like how she would have acted. All of those things. I think it is a normal think. Most woman suffer miscarriages. I think more woman than not feel the same way you feel they just feel like they are supposed to push those emotions to the side because it is what they should do. You feelings aren’t preventing you from living your daily life. I agree give it to GOD. I actually think that your emotions make you a better parent. I see you with those boys. You are an amazing parent, and person. It is OK to still grieve for that loss. It was your 1st child.

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