Broken Pride

*Please read this knowing it was one of the hardest posts I have ever written. Tread Lightly.*

Be warned… this post is real and raw.

It is emotional.

It is, in essence, me.

I have been writing this blog since 2007.

I strive to share stories about my life, all aspects.

The Good.

The Bad.

The Ugly.

And more.

It is very important to me that my posts are full of integrity and truth,

No matter how it makes me look.

That is who I am.

Until this year, I have never considered closing this window into our lives.

This year I have pondered it over and over again.

And almost gone through with it twice.

Many times I had no words to speak or to type.

In January, my mother in law died.

Suddenly is not a big enough word to describe how unexpected it was.

She was 59 and her death was caused by a malfunctioning pain patch.

At first I was “okay”.

I supported, loved and cared for my husband, our boys and family.

God granted me His perfect strength and He sustained our entire family.

By the time March arrived, I noticed I started to change.

I was sad.

It was different than the initial sadness that came with the news she was gone.

I was overwhelmed with grief.

My sweet Noah turned 6 and I remember wondering if there was anyway I could “get out of” going to his party.

I thought, “surely no one would even know I wasn’t there.”

I almost did just that,  thankfully God woke me up to the wrong thinking,

So I put on a happy face and we celebrated.

Not just Noah, but both boys as we were going to be in Disney World for Collin’s actual birthday.

When the party was done, so was I.

I remember being overcome with sadness.

I didn’t want to get out of bed.

By God’s grace we continued and completed the school year.

I know people were praying for us.

I know people were supporting our family.

From that point on, like clock work, I have struggled with depression every month.

For about 2 weeks, I want to hide under a rock so I can sleep.

Under the cloud of sadness, the Son has been peaking.

Up until 2 weeks ago, I had been able to go to church every Sunday.

I have found joy in hearing about God and being challenged to serve Him fully and me less.

Two weeks ago, a dear woman I have known my entire life and later cared for as Alzheimers

Took over every part of her, passed away.

It hit me hard.

I had more regret and more sadness.

I have been struggling harder than ever with my daily reading.

It has been a difficult time.

I have kept this between Aaron and I for the most part.

I have been harboring most of it within the walls of my brain.

I have shared bits of it with my friend Christan.

And friends have noticed and voiced their concern.

I didn’t know what to tell them.

The thing is, the ugliness of depression grows like a weed in the silence of a broken heart.

The truth is, I have many regrets stemming from my mother in laws death.

Many unsaid words.

Many misunderstandings.

And a lot of brokeness.

Then the words of Proverbs 16:18 flooded my mind.

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

Pride.

Pride was keeping me from asking for help.

The truth is, I wanted to figure it out on my own.

I had dealt with depression before, so I would work it out in time.

The question I needed to ask was when would I stop being so selfish.

When would I stop thinking about my needs.

When would I hear the pain in my kids words when they said,

“Mommy are you sad again?”

When would I pull my head out of the sand and face that this problem was bigger than me?

The answer is  yesterday.

I finally talked.

I spoke to my doctor and she prescribed an antidepressant.

Today I begin.

Please pray for me as I take this step.

I want to be an active participant in life every day of the month, not just 2 weeks a month.

I want to breath.

I want to heal.

I want to think clearly.

I want to sleep!

Most of all, I want to be who God wants me to be in all aspects of my life.

Today I will try something new.

Today I will trust in God.

Today I will be thankful.

Today I will be real.

I would sincerely appreciate your prayers and encouragement.

Thanks.

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12 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Erin said,

    I ❤ You! I'll have something for you at church on Sunday.

  2. 3

    Kandi said,

    While I don’t fully understand you’re pain, I do understand depression, having been through it at several points in my life as well (with medication too). Continuing to keep you in my thoughts! ❤

  3. 5

    I love you. The hardest step is what you have just done. ASKING. I am so glad you just took that 1st step. I love you and we are all here for you…

  4. 7

    celiae said,

    I LOVE YOU BECKY!!! Been there, done that, and I take my little happy pill every day! It is only when we can let our pride fall that we can let LOVE in! It is so hard to do, but I applaud you for doing it. Now let’s get together for some MOSCATO! ❤

  5. 8

    Erin said,

    Depression is paralyzing; I know from struggling through it postpartum with E. But you- you have moved in a big brave way by going to your doctor about it. God in you can and will overcome because He never ever stops moving! Ever. Not even in the dark. His strength doesn’t end or stop or get beaten. I love you, and I’ll pray that every day you hear His whispers of peace and love and strength and joy and grace and forgiveness. You are beautiful and awesome! I mean it. 🙂

  6. 9

    Sheila Leonard Pratt---slpratt@att.net said,

    Becky-I don’t know you real well but getting to know you better through FB and your blog.I know personally what you are experiencing–some of it is common to all who go through it and then there are individual things. You have done the most important things –seeking God’s will and plan of guidance for yoiu and that of your doctor. Have him/her check your hormone levels–My seratonin level was off and some meds helped that ( not HRT). I even had anxiety attacks that emulate heart attacks and they checked all that out as well. .My husband saw a TV special on depression one night and came to me and described exactly what was wrong with me–“clinical depression) Lots of prayer ,Bible study-friends-and the meds helped. Every once in awhile It will start to hit me-certain dates, events etc. but mostly I have found that I have to focus on what I have –the blessings,etc etc. and not on what I have lost–both parents, Motherin law-husband with-in 3 days of each other and all of them togethersince DEC ’96–HIS GRACE is sufficient fo all things just stop and pray each time you feel it coming on–don’t put yourself down-Make a list of all your positive qualities. I lived much too much of my life in the past worrying about what OTHERS would think-when in essence the only one we haveto/need to please is Jesus/God–and everything else will take care of itself. Is my life perfect–NO all things solved–NOT ! Just when I think they are -the ole devil tries to throw something else in. the closer we try to be to GOd this is what happens HE/Devil/Satan soesn’t like that . Will be praying for you in all things Keep up the spirits–if you ever want to talk -just call-YOUR aunt C.Sue is a good source as well ☺ ♥.

  7. 10

    Jenny W said,

    Becky, like I told you yesterday, I am so proud of you for talking to your doctor. We have a strong family history of depression on both sides and that is as important to consider with depression as it is with diabetes or heart conditions. Don’t hide! Face it, confront it, get help and grow. You will back in the light of joy again. Stop blaming yourself. God is sovereign and those you love know you love them. Learn from your mistakes but also realize that your pain clouds your ability to judge things correctly. Talk through all the things you wanted to say, don’t hold that in. The truth is that you give guilt a hold when you hide. I love you and am here if you need me!!!

  8. 11

    Phil Dell said,

    I too have dealt with depression for many years. Depression is a confusing labrinth of thought processes and chemicals. When it becomes severe, I am convinced that chemical assistance can be invaluable, and sometimes absolutely necessary for healthy living. Some people are more prone than others also. I marvel that some people seem to always be “happy” or appear so. Sometimes, a clear look at the truth can only yield a sad result. I also believe I can feel your particular pain in a way because I am close to this situation. Not everyone will understand. God does more than all the rest. Love ya.

  9. 12

    I have been struggling with this a lot lately, too, Becky. as I am sure you remember I also did about three years ago. It was much worse then but it’s not super-fun now. Haven’t decided about meds because I am nursing and I had such a terrible time getting off of them when I was prego. Hoping I can cope better once the big kids go back to school. But we’ll see…a little chemical help can go a long way. Thanks for talking about it. I needed to hear I wasn’t alone. It’s hard because not being super-happy-thankful mom all the time makes me feel both guilty and like a failure! I will pray for you and you can pray for me!


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