From This Mother’s Heart

Collin holding my hand during the motorcycles riding in the cage at the circus.

I have always wanted to be a Mother.

For as long as I have lived I have wanted children.

When I was very little, I played with dolls.

When I was  12 I started babysitting.

When I was 16 I became a nanny.

When I was 19 I began dating my husband, when I was 20 we almost broke up.


Because he said he didn’t know if he wanted children.

This was a deal breaker.

Thankfully God changed his heart and mind!

When I was 25 I was given sobering new by my doctor.

He thought I had a condition that would make it very difficult to carry a baby to term.

I was crushed.

We began to try to get pregnant.

My heart was heavy and my mind was set on negative.

I thought I was being punished and would never know the joy of becoming a mom,

The natural way.

While I wanted to carry a baby, I wanted more to be a mother.

We talked about adoption and explored our options.

February 2004, I became pregnant.

I was elated!

My dreams of motherhood were coming into the light of day and I could see my future.

Bright and cheery.

In March 2004 our baby died.

Only 8 weeks old,

Never seeing the light of day.

Never taking a single breath.

My heart was broken into a million pieces.

I am still healing from this loss.

 In June of 2004, I began to get sick.

Sick at the smell of ANYTHING.

I took a test, it was positive!

We were pregnant.

When I was 26 my beautiful Noah was born.

He was sick.

He spent some time in the NICU and I learned a lot.

While the doctors and nurses worked on him,

God was at work on me.

The first night he was “here” we spent it apart.

I was in my room, recovering from a c-section and he was in the NICU.

The separation was devastating.

I spent the evening sobbing.

It hurt to breath.

When he finally came home, I was scared.

I was terrified I would lose him.

Fearful that he wouldn’t gain enough weight or something and they would take him back.

We found our groove.

Things became a happy normal.

He was laughing, cooing, and even starting to crawl when our lives changed again.

I was pregnant AGAIN!

The woman who would have a hard time getting pregnant and sustaining a pregnancy

Was pregnant AGAIN!

I was terrified of having two babies so close in age, but so excited and thankful!

When I was 27 Collin was born.

He was sick too, and the NICU was his home for a while.

While it was painful to have another child in need of special care, I knew what to expect.

I knew it was a possibility.

It was easier to go through the second time around.

When I finally took my second baby home from the NICU,

I had different fears.

I was no longer afraid that someone would take him from me,

I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle two young kids.

The truth is, I couldn’t.

By the grace of God and with the help of family and friends, we made it.

My journey into motherhood is not one of poetry and flowers.

It is one of difficult decisions, tough love and countless challenges.

My big decisions were not, as I had thought they would be,  to bottle or breast feed.

Cloth diaper or disposable.

They were medical consents and navigating IV’s.

It was not peaceful.

It was not calm.

It was not what I would have chosen.

It was not easy.

It was heart breaking.

It was bittersweet,

BUT it was all designed,

By God,

For me.

While my dream was being fulfilled, the way in which it happened was not what I desired.

That didn’t make it any less special.

Only different.

When I was almost 28, Aaron had a vasectomy.

This ended my chance at another biological birth.

When we made the decision to take this step so many things played a part.

I didn’t think I could make it through another child in the NICU.

We didn’t think it was financially sound to have another child.

We had always talked about having 2 or 3 kids and 2 seemed like a lot at the time.

Honestly, I regret that decision.

Almost every day.

I would love to have another child.

My heart often reflects on the what if’s and wouldn’t it be nice.

I love being a mommy.

Noah and Collins’ childhood is slipping through my hands like sand.

I want to hold onto the moments I am given.

I want to hide them in my heart,

Store them in my mind,

Cover my walls with the beauty of their innocence.

The gift of motherhood is not always unwrapped the way we plan.

Being a mother has changed every part of who I am.

It has shaped me in ways that are painful, humiliating and difficult.

It has colored my world with brilliance and touched every part of my being.

I am BEYOND thankful for this gift.

For my Noah and his attention to detail.

For my Collin and his carefree approach to life.

I am an incredibly blessed Mommy.

And eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father who saw fit to make my dream come true.

Happy Mother’s Day.


6 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Jenny W said,

    You are blesses indeed sister! I am so glad that I was able to be there for your boys first days and that I am able to be a part of their lives as they develop.

  2. 2

    Tom D said,

    I am glad God allowed you to be a mother too. You are doing a great job and shaping two fine young boys. I am so proud of you and Aaron both.

  3. 3

    Phil Dell said,

    You are a wonderful mother and the love you have poured into your task of love is obvious to even a casual observer. The love the boys have for each other is wonderful to behold and such a precious thing. Parenthood is unique and special. Motherhood is even moreso. It is a blessing to watch you being blessed.

  4. 4

    Beck said,

    Transformation can be so painful in the midst of the process and not so pretty when it’s up close and personal. On the other side it’s beautiful. Thanks for sharing your journey into holiness.

  5. 5

    Deb said,

    So sweet! Hope you had a wonderful Mothers Day!

  6. 6

    Mom said,

    No matter how many children you have or want to have, they all grow up. Just embrace each day and look forward to each new phase in their lives. Growing and learning from them at every turn. You’ll be surprised how God will fill your heart to overflowing in the experience of mommyhood.

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