Alone In A Crowd

It is a quiet, overcast Friday afternoon.

Just before 3 to be exact.

I have had a great day and now I sit and type in the center table of an overly crowded Caribou Coffee.

This is one of my favorite place to come when I have the opportunity to be alone for  awhile.

I like to sit in a room full of people going  about their daily routine,

While I feel like I am sneaking away from mine for a while.

Today I am joined by several people I may or may not have something in common with.

There are 2 girls sitting shoulder to shoulder looking, typing and chatting at/on  one laptop.

Next to them, a man on a mission, letting his coffee get cold as he leans in to read whatever his screen is beholding.

His fingers move quickly as he takes time to glance out the window then returns to his previous state.

Directly in front of me, 2 middle aged women enjoy 2 of the 4 comfy chairs.

Their eyes locked as their conversation grows more and more fun to watch due to the bigger

And bigger hand gestures.

I feel their topic is a serious one, as they are void of laughter or even smiles.

I wonder why.

Next is a college kid, sporting some serious headphones, laptop and wireless mouse.

Then there is the snow topped man next to him who is a few pages in to a 3 -4 inch hardcover book.

To my right, another 20 something typing away on his lappy occasionally chatting about investments on the phone.

His big words make me nervous.

Then 4,  teenagers, sitting at a table covered with laptops and opened textbooks.

They are a bit loud and from what I can tell are discussing everything accept what is in those books.

Finally a young girl sits behind me.

Notebook open, pen racing, notes being taken.

And then there is me.

I feel so at home in this place, but also out of place.

I don’t know why.

I struggle with this a lot.

I think this is common for a lot of women.

Like I don’t fit anywhere, but can feel at home in lots of places.

I wonder where this struggle stems from.

Where are its roots.

I fear stupid things that don’t make sense.

I long to share with you the issues of my heart from the last few weeks, but I am not sure how.

I am a wordy girl, however, I have found it hard to put this struggle into words.

Why?

I wish I knew.

In time it will come out.

Maybe I am still analyzing the situation.

I tend to reflect for a while on things then I can share them.

I don’t quite know how it works.

I am just thankful that today I wanted to

Wake up.

Go to the gym.

Shower.

Eat.

Be a mom.

Be a wife.

Be a daughter.

Be a sister.

Live.

Those are all special things.

Wonderful gifts given freely to me.

I feel like I can enjoy them again.

I feel like I can breath.

While I sit and embrace the quiet chatter, I feel calm.

I am so thankful for that.

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4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    aaron said,

    Breathe deeply Becky. I can tell you from personal experience (as you well know) that time holds a lot of answers…and peace. and you know what? the “stupid” things we think about are not always “stupid” in reality. it’s all about perspective.

    thx for sharing friend. you are loved!

  2. 2

    I LOVE this post. I felt like I was sitting in the coffee shop with you! I am with Aaron it’s all about perspective. In time the words will come… they always do!

    Thanks for sharing pieces of your heart!

  3. 3

    Deborah Tipps said,

    How lovely. How true. Very much the story of my life through many years: always loved and surrounded by dear ones. Always this sense of a missing connection. But, in the psalms we find this is not unique to women. They just more often express it. Jesus was alone in the garden with friends who had sworn loyalty were a few feet away. He was alone and forsaken, while 2 or 3 were clinging to him and loving him at the foot of the cross but the One who loved Him most was turned away. Only when all things are made new will the separateness and aloneness be finally and completely ended. Perfect love, perfect unity, perfect intimacy is coming.


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