Tiny Clothes

Twelve days ago something miraculous happened.

A woman, who used to be a spunky little girl I was a nanny for, had her first child.

A beautiful boy!

He was born very early and weighed in at 3.09lbs.

He is still tiny, but thriving!

He is beautiful!

I have found myself longing for updates on this little guy.

I pray for this sweet little boy,

His parents and extended family.

Every time his mommy posts something I am transported to the days I spent

Bedside

AND

Helpless

Holding my breath for good news.

Longing for good updates,

Counting on disappointment.

My heart hurts, but also rests as we grew so much and learned life long lessons.

Today I saw pics of Baby G in tiny little clothes.

A onesie.

I was reduced to tears.

I remember when the NICU nurses gave me the thumbs up on that moment!

I was able to see my baby in clothes.

It meant so much.

It meant he was healing.

This moment happened with both boys.

It was so strange to me.

Something so mundane gave way to deep breaths and signs of normalcy.

Having a sick baby is so hard.

It challenges each and every ounce of your being.

The things you plan on, expect and long for when expecting a child are all thrown out the window.

The things you made notes on and communicated with your doctors and nurses

Don’t end up mattering.

AT ALL!

You can’t hold your baby.

You can’t nurse him.

You can’t even change his diapers.

It hurts more than words and it has left scars etched into the corners of my mind.

The hours, days and weeks spent next to a baby you felt connected to,

But feared he felt abandoned by you bleed together.

The moments of making BIG decisions with the life of this tiny little one weigh heavy on you.

I remember the first night Noah was born.

I was in my room, Noah was in the NICU, Aaron was home.

I have never been more exhausted.

I had major separation anxiety.

I was sobbing.

I was terrified.

I was lonely.

I was missing him.

I could hear the baby in the room next to me.

I was so jealous.

It hurt so much.

Life was hard then.

Near unbearable.

Now, 6 years later from our first time in the NICU,

It is still raw for me.

It still hurts.

The gifts of the NICU experience are hard to explain.

You realize how little you really are.

You realize God is BIG.

You realize God will sustain you.

He always does.

 

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