Finding My Way

It happened the other day.

I was doing something normal, something everyday, mundane.

I was reaching for a blanket.

I pulled the one down I wanted to use, from a shelf that is stocked full of blankets.

Down fell a beautifully hand embroidered quilt.

The squares are filled with “antique” patterns, kept in the family for years.

On a bottom corner you will find

“Noah Isaac Dell

March 9, 2005

Love,

Grandma Dell”.

The sight of the quilt took me many places.

Happy

Sad

Sweet

Difficult places.

There are many hard things about losing a loved one.

There are things that were unsaid, MANY things.

Things I wish could have been different.

She has been gone for 5 weeks now.

Tonight is hard.

I feel like so much time was wasted.

I wish I could have changed some of the difficult things in our relationship.

I wish we could have communicated better.

I wish we had a better understanding of one another.

I wish she would have known how much I love her.

I told her, but I don’t know if she believed the words.

Our relationship was complicated.

I wish we wouldn’t have wasted the time God gave us together.

I have learned many things through her death.

I am learning more daily.

Learning in this way is painful.

It has to be, because it is such deep learning.

I realized how much I wake up, thinking about or praying for someone,

BUT never making contact with them.

Never letting them know I am praying for them or that they captivate my thoughts.

Why?

Because I didn’t make an effort to do so.

I hide within the walls of my house,

Behind the screen of my computer thinking and praying.

It hurts deeply that weeks, even months went by with us waiting on the other to call.

It breaks my heart.

Our relationship was riddled with hurt feelings and wrong assumptions instead of love and desire to grow.

We couldn’t find our way through our issues to each other.

It is painful, but it is the truth.

Tonight is hard.

As I am finding my way through this situation,

This loss, I am hurt.

I pray the lessons I am learning help me improve the relationships I have now.

Help me treasure and fight hard for the people I love.

I pray I won’t let the fear of rejection get in the way again.

I pray I will be open to try again even if I think I know how things will end.

I pray I will be able to understand that people who are hurting often hurt others, but not let that hurt me so deeply.

It is hard to stand in front of someone,

Expose yourself.

Be raw.

Be vulnerable.

Be real.

NOT knowing how it will go.

It is, in itself, an act of faith.

The truth is I fear rejection, it terrifies me.

As I fight this fear, I do so by daily giving it over to God.

Piece by piece He takes it.

I am scraping the old paint off of the rotted wood that is my heart.

God is taking the raw material with beautiful new paint and replacing the wood itself.

He is taking away the ugliness that fills my mind and heart

And replacing it with love.

It is hard work.

It takes practice and intentional action.

BUT the more I do it the better it gets!

 

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2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Becky Dell, Becky Dell. Becky Dell said: The hard truth https://randombecky.wordpress.com/2011/02/23/finding-my-way/ […]

  2. 2

    Poppey said,

    Weep with those who weep. I am weeping bitterly. Where is the grace to accept the things we cannot change? Death is a cruel enemy.


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