A Single Tear, A Breath and Release

The hustle, the bustle, the planning, the executing are now in complete.

I am tired, we all are.

I sit in my living room alone.

Noah, Collin and Aaron are soaking up some guy time upstairs.

I want to join them, but feel this moment is best served to the three of them.

This morning I sat under a tent, surrounded by loved ones.

We were holding each other.

The cold snow filled sky and cut me to the core.

My toes hurt.

My heart hurt more.

Noah sat on my lap.

I looked down and saw a solitary tear form in the inner corner of his eye.

I was already crying, but it made me cry harder.

Tears of relief filled my eyes as I was comforted by his emotion.

You see, while I hate to see him cry, it means he is letting himself feel something.

He is letting the ugliness of grief inhabit his mind so the beauty of healing can take place.

I felt my heart take a breath.

The first breath it had taken all day.

This process has been hard for the boys.

Collin has asked a lot of questions, talked about Grandma Rosie a lot and was very “present” during the viewing.

Today at the graveside service, Noah ran ahead of me.

I called to him and he came back to me.

When I asked what he was doing he simply said he was going to see Grandma.

He had forgotten or maybe misunderstood that yesterday was the last time he would see Grandma.

When I reminded him, I saw his heart stop.

There in the cold morning air, my face was warmed by  the rush of blood that flooded my face.

It was hard.

His eyes filled with tears, but he didn’t release them.

That is why when the tear fell, moments later, it was so beautiful.

He is sad, we all are.

He misses his grandma.

I miss her too.


9 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Celia said,

    My heart breaks for you guys. Love you. Moscato soon?

  2. 2

    Oh Becky! Heart breaking, prayers continuing…

  3. 3

    Jenny said,

    I love this sentence “He is letting the ugliness of grief inhabit his mind so the beauty of healing can take place.” This is the dichotomy of life. Life and death, joy and pain, success and failure… the former of each pair have no meaning in our lives without the latter. Keep loving them and allowing them to be human and emotional. You are a wonderful mom!! Every day I work with parents who see their children as a nuisance, a burden that they can’t wait to throw out at age 18. It makes my heart glad to see your genuine love for them and your deep understanding that they are God’s precious, unparalleled gift to you and Aaron (and their Aunt Jenny for that matter).

  4. 4

    Jim Weller said,

    Beautiful posting Becky. I saw the tear. He looked at me with that look that says, “Grandpa, what do I do now?” Life can hurt especially when you’re five and a painful reality becomes, well, real. It was good to know that as you held Noah, God was holding you both…and He was crying too.

  5. 5

    Susan said,

    Such a precious, though heartrending moment for both of you. I have been praying for you, and the girls have been praying specifically for Noah and Collin. Such a fallen world we live in — but made bearable by a great Hope. Someday we’ll all be whole together!

  6. 6

    Steve Chase said,

    I’m so touched by this post.

  7. 7

    Erin said,

    You are raising brave and genuine and compassionate boys – an invaluable gift to the world. Love you guys, and praying for all of you.

  8. 8

    Dumeta said,

    There are no words that I can comment with that can even begin to compare to the beauty you just shared. You are blessed, we are blessed and I thank God for you. I am praying for all of you and thankful I was welcomed to share in moment of saying goodby to Rosie Dell. Though I did not know her personally, she raised 2 greats sons and from what I saw on Sunday, she was a very loved lady.

  9. 9

    Tyson said,

    Such a sad day.

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