The Face of My FEAR…

Know what I fear most?

This pic was taken last October right before we almost lost our baby.

My heart aches to even look at this picture.

I am taken to so many places at just a glance.

At the forefront of my mind is FEAR.

UGLY.

NASTY.

UNHOLY.

FEAR.

He was misdiagnosed with H1N1.

By the time we took him to the hospital,

Per the pediatrician telling us it would run it’s course,

He was in REALLY bad shape.

There was talk of chest tubes, surgery and ICU.

None of that happened.

It was amazing, a true testament of God’s power and grace.

It was shocking how different one x-ray was from the next.

How the amazing healing left the doctors w/o “answers” as to how it happened so FAST!

Last night, my husband went to bed before me.

He went in to kiss the boys goodnight.

Collin was shivering and felt warm.

Aaron took his temp, 100.5.

He has had no sign of illness and went to bed seemingly healthy just 2 hours before.

I freaked out.

I flashed back.

I realized that this was the first fever or illness (outside of allergies) since last October.

We have been richly blessed with their health.

SO I was taken aback by how much fear I felt.

I hovered over his bed for a while.

Pacing the length of his bed.

I felt helpless and fear consumed me.

I wanted to sleep in there, but Aaron thought that I was crazy! was a bit extreme.

He was right.

I think I must still feel guilt over the whole ordeal of last October.

I know the guilt is unfounded.

BUT I still struggle with it.

Today is a new day!

While the fever is completely gone and Collin woke up ravenous

I am left with the ugliness of my sin.

I need to

TRUST.

CAST MY CARES ON HIM.

REST IN HIS SOVEREIGNTY.

LOVE HIM FULLY.

It is the hardest for me when it comes to the boys.

Every day I find reasons to take back control and hover over details when I could simply rest on HIS promises.

When will I learn?

So, dear Reader, what is your greatest fear?

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4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Jenny said,

    Honestly, I am not really a fearful person any more. God granted me freedom in that area and I don’t ever want to go back. I have come to realize that all of our attempts at control cannot thwart God’s plans and are not worth the vast amounts of energy they ravenously consume. The second part of this equation is where I am hung up. I struggle with hoping for good in this life. That is the weakness that zaps my energy now and demands my prayer and effort to overcome.

  2. 2

    Dumeta said,

    Fear, what an ugly, strong and destructive word.
    Yes, I must admit I fear.
    I think as a mother that is the hardest thing, to trust God with the most wonderful thing in your life on this earth, your children. To trust that they will survive each day in a world that is often not kind.
    Things change so much, as years ago my fear was that I would be taken from this world before they were old enough to care for themselves. I used to pray for God’s grace to allow me to see them grown. He has blessed me with that and I know if my time comes now that I have been given what I asked for many years ago.
    But even now at night it is hard when fear creeps in and worry settles in the mind. When the boys no longer come to my house each night and I do not get that visual confirmation that they are safe, the darkness can be the devils friend. I usually fall asleep praying over and over for peace and safety.

  3. 3

    Jessica said,

    A very good word. I’m a lot faster to react in fear than I used to be. I think its part of the scar we carry when something happens to one of our children that is beyond our control. But I’m working a study with my small group that spent a day on fear this week. The author said that our faith can meet our fear and turn it into the fear of God. So maybe the prayer is not for the fear to go away, but maybe its for our faith to grow ever bigger. If I can only take my eyes off of the temporal circumstances and see God’s work in all of history, knowing that he keeps EVERY promise, that this world is not our home…if I can somehow remember all of that, maybe I can shake the impulse of fear. Still working on that though.

  4. 4

    Poppey said,

    Fear of God is beginning of wisdom, perfect love casteth out fear. Fear is a funny thing. Nurses and doctors know fear. Fear of failure can spur you to excellence or paralyze you. It was the fear that prompts you to get up, check the kid, find out what he needs. It’s also the fear that makes you shake and shiver. The opposite of fear is faith, but faith has to be grounded in something. Cursed is the man that trusteth in man. Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord (both in Jeremiah 17.) If we just trust Him to make things nice for us, that is incomplete. Faith in the face of adversity is where fear meets faith. We fear God, so we don’t fear what man can do to us. Kind of like a kid who fears his Dad, but knows he is safe with his Dad because his dad loves him. So we fear our God, knowing we are only safe with Him, when He loves us.


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