A Broken Heart Without A Name

Every year at this time,

I am hit with a hard with deep feelings of grief and sorrow.

In just over a month is the anniversary of my first ever Due Date.

My baby only lived inside my body,

Never saw the light of day,

But she forever lives in my heart.

She pops into my mind when I least expect it.

Today, Collin was sitting on the couch, about 4 feet from me.

I was watching him read a book.

His face was at near expressionless,

A bit of curiosity lingered in his slightly smiling eyes.

His face was tender.

His mind was open.

My heart unfolded and embraced the moment in a hug.

My gaze turned to Noah.

He was lying on the floor playing with a piece of yarn.

He had no idea how sweet he looked.

He could play with a speck of dirt for an hour.

The child has an amazing imagination.

He was surrounded by 2 lazy pugs and 100% content.

From there, my mind jumped to the Baby we lost.

I hate that my baby doesn’t have a name or a gender.

I don’t know what to call her.

I think she was a girl, so that is how I refer to her.

It’s really hard.

Tonight is hard.

I miss her.


3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Kandi said,

    Oh Becky, my heart hurts for yours. I know that feeling all too well. I personally take comfort knowing that my 3 have the best guardian angels ever! You’re in my thoughts friend!

  2. 2

    Poppey said,

    Rosie has similar feelings a lot. Hers does have a name. I don’t know what would stop you from giving her a name. I do think it is something women feel much stronger than men, because the child is actually in their bodies.

  3. 3

    Andrea@mommyconfessionsblog said,

    I am so sorry. I know how much it hurts. I agree with the above comment. I think that you might find a little peace in having a name for her. I love you and am here to listen any time.

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