Soul Searching…

I cannot believe this is my reality right now.

I am sitting in the living room of a beautiful lake house on a girlfriend trip in Tennessee.

The weather is cool.

The breeze is freely blowing.

It is 5 p.m. and I am considering taking a nap.

I just spent almost an hour in the word.

An entire hour, quietly reading on the deck, cup of coffee in hand and a pug on my lap.

Serenity.

Alone time with my Father.

I am reflecting on my life and how I am fulfilling the role which God has chosen for me to fulfill.

I am coming to a few conclusions, but still have much searching to do.

I strive to be the wife and mother God has called me to be.

Some days are good, some days are bad.

I think I need to focus on the moments rather than the days, because I a lot can happen in 24 hours.

I think it is interesting how God works to get my attention.

I am sure I am not alone in this, but I will only speak about me.

I feel like when He is trying to teach me something he puts it in front of me over and over again until

it gets though my thick skull

I finally take time to listen.

Kind of like when you buy a new car and notice how many of that make/model/color are on the road.

There are a few area’s right now that God is working with me on.

A few I know about anyway…

I am struck by how different my life has been during this recovery.

I am unable to do most of what I would consider to be my duty to fulfill the role I have been called to fulfill.

Until recently, I have not been able to cook, clean or the other basic wife/mother/woman skills that I should be doing.

It is strange.

It is uncomfortable.

It is boring.

It is humbling.

It is not something I like.

During this time I have learned so much.

Today I am thinking about what I am doing with the temporary role God has called me to live in.

As my freedoms are being restored, I have realized something about myself.

I hold a lot of my self worth in the things I do.

Whether it be a clean house, a warm meal or entertaining guests in our home, that is where I often found my worth.

How wrong is that.

I think all of those things are important, but they should NEVER be the place where I find my worth.

When they were stripped away from me, what did I have left?

NONE of that!

I was vulnerable!!!

I was broken.

Once all of this was taken away, I could clearly see God’s face.

I could hear His voice.

He is where I should find my worth.

He is the only constant.

As I am able to do more and more everyday,

I pray God will keep this lesson fresh in my mind.

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