I was just thinking…

I am sitting in my living room. The boys are watching a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse DVD. I am tired, but rested. (Is that possible?) Roxi the Pug is on the floor vent for our heater, the most coveted spot in our entire home when it is cold out. My mind is racing from one thing to the next and I am struck by how much of my time is spent thinking about stuff that doesn’t matter. I am constantly re-working situations in my mind. You know, the “what if I would have”, “I should have”, “I can’t believe I” thoughts that are not used for learning, but for tearing oneself down. I am stuck in this rut, again, of feeling like an utter failure. I am not saying that for pity, but because this is my blog and I can say whatever I want to get off my mind. I think with each passing year I am getting more and more discouraged with some area’s of my life. I feel so emotional at times, much like the CRAZYirrationalhormoneinducedemotional rollercoaster I rode during my junior high school years. It is so strange. I remember times of discouragement in my youth. Times of feeling like no matter what I did, no matter what my intention or how hard I tried, things seemed to fall flat. I don’t know how to explain it exactly. I am just frustrated I guess. I feel selfish for these thoughts and feeling this way. I am so richly blessed. I have a devoted, hard working fhusband. Two wonderful, healthy and amazing boys, pretty much everything but the white picket fence. Why should I feel unsatisfied? Why? I have more than I ever wanted, yet I feel sad a lot of the time. I know a lot of these feelings have to do with knowing winter is fast approaching and I will be stuck inside for 5 months and that is very difficult for me. Also, Saturday is the 5th anniversary of my due date for our first child. It will be a difficult day. A day where the rest of the world moves along at a normal pace, but my world comes to a stop throughout the day when I think about this precious child I never got to hold.

I know I need to rest in God, I am trying, but it is a struggle. So, if you are like me and you need to find peace search for answers in the Bible. Seek his wisdom and comfort. Rest in Him. I know I am going to try to.

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