Anything I can do to help??

There are so many wonderful people offering to help our family I don’t know where to start the thank you’s. Right now, we are living minute by minute and I don’t know what we will need. The control freak inside of me has lost hold and I am resting in God’s promise that he is sovereign and has already written the book of my Collin’s life.
I am writing this post to the drip-drip-bubble-bubble that sounds like a mix between a dog lapping water and a bath tub filling with water. The sound is actually the water that is moistening the oxygen that is piping into Collin’s 3 (and almost1/2) year old body. 1.5 liters, whatever that means. I am sitting on the hard couch in his room while Aaron is coaxing Collin into leaving the cannula (oxygen tube thing) in his sore little nose. Every few minutes the DING DING DING of his monitor breaks the rhythm of the O2 gizmo and I get jerked out of the “happy place” I am trying to create in my mind. Those of you who know Collin know he HATES bandaids. He always has. As you can imagine, having his little arm on a flat board from wrist to elbow is a hot button issue for him. Now he has discovered he can bang the back of the board on his bedrail and make a loud noise. Yay! (sarcasm intended). Every 1/2 hour my baby awakes. He has had terrible nightmares since arriving here about 24 hours ago. He is tiny and frail. He has lost 5 lbs since last Thursday and is now only 31lbs. As a massage therapist, his physique helps me guide along the muscles, as a mama it make me cry. Literally. Let me just say, crying while you are already losing your voice and occasionally coughing is a recipe for frustration. I can’t help it. I am sad. I want to lay down on my bed and let it out. i can’t. My baby needs me. He wants me. He must have me. I went to dinner tonight with Aaron to the hospital cafeteria while my mom watched Collin. I got a call about 7 minutes later from her saying I should go back. So I did. I ran through the hallway’s and got to my baby just in time to hold him down for bloodwork. Did I mention he hates bandaids?? Imagine how much he LOVES needles. He fights, kicks, screams, scratches, swings and arches through every procedure. He has finally stopped screaming and shaking when a doctor walks in the room, so that is a blessing.
He is scared. Terrified. Sick. Tired. Longing for his home. I am too.
Today we saw hope. We saw him attempt to play with a balloon. He played with a car. He smiled a weak halfway smile. He said I love you. He laughed, almost. It was beautiful. It was priceless. It was Collin.
I know morning is coming soon for us. I know I am running on 1 hour of sleep and a 1/2 hour nap. I know the last week was Hell for us. I know I need to rest, but I can’t right now. Rest will come for me, I know it will.
So, to answer the question, “is there anything I can do to help?” Only Grandparents and parents are allowed to come in to see us so you can’t physically sit with us. I think the only thing that helps right now is knowing you are praying for our boy and the encouragement you are sending via e-mail, phone calls and facebook. For that I am eternally grateful. For now, I need to go, it is almost nightmare time. He is tossing and turning.


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