life

I am just sitting here, watching the boys play together. Currently, Collin is the patient and Noah is the doctor. Noah sporting a hospital green lab coat, doctor’s kit in hand, and Collin covered in a warm fleece. The boys love their doctor’s kit. The love to switch roles back and forth. They love to diagnose and treat the various made up ailments they suffer from. I lovingly watch them with a thankful heart, humbled by the thought that less than 8 months ago I almost died. I know if I would have died, I would now be resting in my Savior’s loving arms, not longing for things of this earth, but my precious children would face a MUCH harsher reality… life without Mommy. I can’t help but think about it. I am surprised at how often that thought creeps into my brain. I know full well that if that had been God’s plan for my life, their life, it would have been made perfect, but it still weighs heavy on my heart.
I have been working so hard at not letting the tears fall I am exhausted. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I almost died. Last night I was experiencing pain in my urerter. Yes, I know where my urerter is and can identify when pain comes from there. Trust me it is as much fun as it sounds. It seems I am constantly reminded of the pain of the last year: physical, emotional and spiritual. I wonder if I have really even started healing. I don’t know why I can’t deal with it, but I really feel like I can’t right now. Does that even make sense?
So, for today, I sit in the beauty of all that God has given me. All of the joy and all of the pain. All of the easy times and the times of amazing trials. I think about how healthy my boys are. I am thankful they are both healthy! SO VERY THANKFUL! No special dietary needs, no “special” education needs. Normal development, normal health, so often taken for granted, so underappreciated.

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