Pondering…

So now that the birthday is done and I am left with nothing to plan, I am forced to deal with the many emotion’s that I have ignored over the past 3 weeks. Things have gone quickly and my next surgery is fast approaching. I don’t know how to express with words the way I felt before I left for the ER on Aug 12. I thought I was dying, so much so that I actually left a letter for my husband, kids, parents and sister. I wanted to make sure things that needed to be said were said and that everyone understoood my wishes. I looked at my children from my collapsed position on the floor feeling confident that my eyes would no longer rest upon their tiny little faces. I was deeply concerned that their last sight of me being would be me, crying in pain on the floor and Noah coming up to comfort me, saying “what’s wrong sweetie”. My heart broke, but I knew then and I know now, if God had chosen that scenerio that He would comfort and heal their little hearts as well. He would not leave or forsake them. He would carry them through life. Thankfully I am still here with them and they did not have to endure the pain that would naturally come with the loss of a mother, but I need to remember my place in their lives as well. I am their caregiver, not the one who gave them the breath of life. My plans are not perfect. My will is far from perfect, but God and His will is 100% perfect. He has a plan laid out for my life as well as Collin and Noah. My job is to teach them, love them, encourage them, discipline them, feed/clothe them, while showing and instructing them to turn to Jesus.
The next surgery, the big one, is a week from Tuesday. I am no longer worried about it. I feel confident that God will guide the surgeon’s hands through the entire operation. I trust and rest in His hands. Don’t get me wrong, I am dreading the pain and healing that will accompany the whole process, but I feel as though there is an end in sight. I am ready for the doc’s to get and actual look at my unhealthy urerter and identify conclusively what is exactly going on. I hope and pray it is a birth defect, but I have to prepare myself for the unknown, it may be something else. It may not be a “quick fix”. We will know soon enough. Even though earthly eyes have not gotten a clear image of my urerter, the eyes of the Great Physician know full well what the problem is.
Now, I find myself crying a lot. When I am not crying, I am trying not to. I think if I let the tears fall they may never stop. Do you know what I mean? I am struck by the work God is doing in my life. Why am I resisting Him still in certain area’s of my life? Why do I struggle DAILY with making it a priority to read His word and soak Him in. Why did He chose to let me go back to my earthly family? When will I fully give myself to Him and submit to His will for my life? When will I live by the priorities He wants me too instead of insisting on the way I want things to be?
When will I grow up?

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