my life now…

I was just sitting here thinking about how my life is now, where I am, verses where I want(ed) to be at this point. I never thought I would be dealing with chronic pain and in my heart of hearts I always doubted that I would ever be married – let alone happily married. Now I sit and reflect on all of the twists and turns that my life has taken. I think of my childhood and all of the insecurities I remember having and how many of them still haunt me. I think about the issues that are forever attached to my youth. Issues of self-hatred and my horrible lack of self esteem. I think of my first “relationship” with a boy named David and the “abuse” I tolerated in that relationship. I think about how I confused empty words for “love”. I think about the self destructive behavior that I have yet to fully give over to God. I think about the weight I have lost and gained over my almost 30 years and how different my life is now after loosing 52 lbs – for good. 52 pounds – about the weight equivillent to that of my boys – COMBINED!
I think about how much my life has changed. On June 17th Aaron and I will celebrate 10 years of being together. When I first met Aaron, I was in a really bad place in my life. I think the downward spiral that I was fully engulfed in at the time Aaron and I initially met was due in part to my desire to run from God, also my fear of dealing with “me”. I was very immature, but I thought I had it all figured out. I filled my days with work and my evening/nights were a potluck of dangerous behavior, self-destruction, alcohol abuse and self-hate. Overall, I was extremely selfish! I think about the time, a short while before Aaron and I met and began dating. I can now look back and see God’s hand and providence, but at the time, it was HELL! I was lost and seeking desperately to find fulfillment! I praise God for loving me enough to send Aaron into my life at a time when I would have trusted any boy who came along, but God choose to bring Aaron to me. Aaron has always treated me like a gift from God and has always tried to protect me.
I don’t know where I am going with this, I guess I am just rambling and trying to think about why God has so greatly blessed my life. I think about the pain I am currently experiencing in my back. I think about the question I ask myself before my head leaves the pillow in the morning, what will today be like? Will I be able to pick up my boys? Can I take them outside? Can I sit up? Can I move?…. Each new day seems to bring new challenges and planning event’s (playdates, errands…) are often hard to keep.
I think I will probably never know why the pain I am experiencing is part of my life, but I am thankful that the Lord who is sovereign over all has a plan for this part of my life. I am so thankful that I have Aaron and my amazing boys!
Praise the Lord!


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