Broken in the Trenches

It has been almost 4 years since I last posted on my blog.

There have been many posts that I have written and chosen

not to post because I want to protect the story of my children.

As an adoptive parent, our kids stories were partially written

before our paths crossed.

I want my girls to discover their stories at the appropriate age and time

and I don’t want the world to know their stories

before they have a chance to know them.

That being said, I feel the need to open up, on some level,

and share parts of our story and how the pandemic

has shaped this part of our lives.

Before the world came to a screeching halt,

I was in a pretty steady mental space.

I have been on anxiety and depression meds for about a year

and I felt like they were in a good place.

Then the world stopped.

Life was ripped away from our kids and everything changed in a heartbeat.

For the first week, it was kind of fun.

I made a schedule of meals, and planned fun/silly things for us to do every day.

We soaked up togetherness, held family lego competitions, and cooked together.

We did everything together.

The second week was a lot like the first.

The fun activity supplies, I had ordered on Amazon,

arrived and it was our official spring break from school.

It was like we were in a weird limbo, but we weren’t ready for week 3.

School started at home instead of back in the classroom.

Our beloved teachers were no longer leading their classrooms,

instead, they were forced to figure out how to virtually lead

the kids that they have grown to love.

We are now one day into week 6 of virtual learning.

It is unlike virtual schools and homeschooling,

trust me, I’ve done both.

It is more like being the substitute teacher in a class

where the students need to assemble a

1000 piece puzzle made up of varying shades of gray and no edges.

It has been nuts, thankfully we are almost to the end of the school year.


We have 4 kids.

2 typical, 2 with special needs.

2 biological, 2 adopted.

Our oldest son, is finishing 8th grade.

He is pretty bummed he doesn’t get to participate in the 8th grade farewell,

and walk the halls one last time.

He has taken this in stride, and has handled the loss well.

Our youngest is a 1st grader.

She LOVES everything about school.

She misses her friends, her teachers, and everything that goes with it.

She is mostly upset that she can’t show her friends that she can run again,

because right before the school buildings were shut down,

she had just gotten her full leg cast taken off.

She says she “will show them all next year

and is sure they will be super impressed.”

She is taking it all in stride as well.
Sandwiched between our bookends, you will find 2 very different kids.

Our second son struggles with a few different issues

that cause his brain to process information differently.

He has a processing disorder and Tourette Syndrome.

He needs one on one help to get through the school day.

The change of schedule has had a big impact on him,

but the hardest part has been,

putting him in an environment where he has to learn

along side other people who are learning different things at the same time.

It is totally distracting and causes him to stop.

Like literally stop.

He shuts down.

He requires someone to work with him.

The first 3 weeks left him schooling for 5-6 hours each day.

Then we have our 4th grader.

She has experienced SO much trauma in her life

and her brain has been re-wired

(SERIOUSLY, as in her brain is wired differently than a healthy brain,

google the affects of trauma on a child’s brain.)

She has major abandonment issues and

stupid corona has left her feeling vulnerable

and served her up another heaping plate of abandonment.

Things are hard.

Last week, life stopped even more for our family.

Mother’s day is this weekend.

Our oldest son is super excited because he has money

and wants to shower me with gifts.

It is really sweet!

The thing about mother’s day, is that it has become a very hard day.

For the last 5 years, I have grieved the loss of a once special day.

When we welcomed our oldest daughter into our home,

I was sure Mother’s Day would be extra special.

Boy was I wrong.

The problem with the holiday is that I am torn

between 3 kids that love me and want to celebrate me,

and 1 kid who hates me and loves me at the same time.

So, she is triggered by the idea that by loving me,

her birth mother will be betrayed,

so her fight or flight instinct takes over.

She fights because she can’t fly.

Over the past 8-10 days, things were growing increasingly worse.

I am the enemy.

I am the one she wants to keep herself from loving and trusting.

So she is dealing with it.

It is one of the most tragic parts of adoption.

I had held it together until last Thursday.

I broke. Her words cut me deeply and I sunk deeply into the hurt

and couldn’t stop the pain.

The days leading up to the breaking point were painful.

I couldn’t function normally and each day something else had to give.

We skipped schoolwork 2 days,

we also missed therapy for one kid,

and I canceled therapy for our hurting girl.


It only makes sense that she needed therapy more than ever.

I canceled because therapy, while it is a life saver, requires work.

I was completely depleted.

I couldn’t eat.

I couldn’t sleep.

I could only cry.

It was awful.

My oldest son saw the breakdown and reached out to my sister,

which led to her reaching out to people

and I have been getting surprises

in the mail and porch drop offs of wine and chocolate since late last week.

It has brightened my day.

My sis even comes over twice a week to help school the kids.

It has been so helpful to have her help.

We each buddy up to the 2 of our 4 that need 100% supervision.

The weekend came and went.

We worked on our yard and it was so great to be outside playing in the dirt together.

The yard is coming along and I was hopeful things would calm down.

Turns out, if another adult is around, things are better,

but when it is just the kids and me,

I get firey words shot at me and each arrow hits deep into my heart.

I try to shield myself and remind myself that she is scared.

That she has lost so much

and this stay at home stuff makes her so scared that she feels the need to attack.

She craves chaos, it feels safer, so she creates it.

She stirs the pot, because then she knows what will happen.

She tells me:

I am fat

She is mad at me because I took her away from her mom

She says it was better “not to be safe, because she was with her real mom”

She feeds lies to her little sister

She tells me she will leave home and

has run away 3 times

(thankfully she hasn’t even left our block before we have retrieved her)

She questions me over everything, and constantly talks back.

She lies.

She does all of these things because I love her.

She attacks me most because the mother who had the honor of

carrying her in her womb is the person that has hurt her the most.

She fights the love and safety of our home because for 5 years,

all she knew was chaos, hunger, violence and much more.

She hates me because she loves me.

She tells me she wishes she was always in our family and holds me tight,

just to insult me and hurt me (verbally or physically the next hour)

She is living in a constant state of turmoil and fear and it

breaks my heart.

I am hurting because she is so hurt.

I have to wake up every day and commit to loving her even when it is so hard,

I break down and cry until I feel sick.

And I go to bed knowing tomorrow will be hard.

I know I have said a lot.

I know it seems heavy.

BUT I think it is so important to share

because I also know I am not the only one who deals with this.

I am not the only one who is in the trenches loving kids from hard places.

I think it is important to share my story because

it may open your eyes to know how to pray

and support those in your lives who are fighting for love every day.

I have yelled at my kids so much lately.

I have hidden in my room trying to steal 5 minutes to regroup.

I have looked at the tear stained face of a traumatized little girl

and I have not handled the pain.

I have let it wash over me and take control.

It breaks my heart, but I know I am only human.

I know the pain that she feels escapes from her body and floods into mine.

I know I am a safe place and so does she.

So, when you ask me how I am doing and I look at you and shrug and say

something like, “It’s rough”,

this is what I really want to say.

I want to open up and let you in, but I just can’t.

It is too much.

To much to relive and rehash.

To much to process.

BUT I need to be heard and I need to let you in.

If you have friends who love kids from hard places, check on us.

Understand that we are doing more than virtual schooling and keeping kids going,

we are in the trenches,

rebuilding the broken pieces of our beloved children

with blood, sweat, and tears.

We are fighting the truth they know because of the lives they have lived without us,

with the reality of what they see and long to embrace

in the lives they are being offered.

Know that a text goes a long way for a mama who has finally broken down

and cannot keep the tears in anymore.

Please don’t feel sorry for me.

Please pray for me.

Please try to understand.

We all need grace right now.

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Mother’s Day.

When I think of Mother’s Day my heart is heavy.

My mind races to sweet Mother’s Day memories

When we Just had our 2 biological boys.

The day was special, wonderful, and full of precious moments.

When you welcome a child, from hard places, into your world,

Your reality changes in ways you never imagined.

The idea of Mother’s Day for that child, is one of conflict,

Greif, confusion, sadness.

And, for you,  a reminder of the harsh reality,

That you are second.

You are the less.

It is a natural response to the broken system,

A world in which mother cannot mother her child.

For whatever reason, she was unable to parent the child,

And you are there now, in that role,

Loving, nurturing, pouring into her

Heart. Life. Mind.

In her mind, you just don’t measure up.

And why should you.

This is just one of the many hard things about adoption.

Mother’s Day, last year, was my first experience with this complex reality.

We had just left the honeymoon stage of our time with our new love.

She had lived with us for just over a month and she was fragile.

Fragile in size and emotions.

She was weary and nervous.

She was broken and bruised.

When Mother’s Day arrived, I had to think about the silent partner.

Her biological mother.

The woman who I have never met,

But am so grateful to for giving life to my beautiful

Little girl.

Our little girl.

Without this woman, I would never know my precious

Little lady, who has taught me so much in the last year.

A woman who is likely thinking of her on this holiday.

I was expecting Mother’s Day to be hard for our daughter,

But I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be on me.

The day was hard.

It was tragic.

We bought balloons, for her bio mom,

And sent them into the sky, after we prayed for her.

We watched them fly into the distance and we celebrated

Birthmom for a moment.

We acknowledged her presence and thanked God for her.

Thanked Him for bringing our daughter to us and prayed for protection over biomom.

That she was safe and God would draw her to Himself.

We wanted to acknowledge her, because she is important.

We wanted to show our daughter that her biomom is special,

And we were thankful for her.

I had no idea that it would hurt so much.

Each moment I spent with my kids, that day,

Was a constant reminder that there was a woman,

Who wasn’t with her child on that day.

I felt like an imposter.

Like I stepped into a role that I stole from someone else.

I felt inadequate and guilty.

The idea of being apart from my kids, was unthinkable,

So as the day continued on, I grew more and more sad.

Our daughter struggled so much that day.

She was torn between loyalty and her new reality.

She had no voice in her situation.

Yet, it was her life that was uprooted and put into the hands of a new


She had to learn us.

She had to be brave.

She had to move on.

When this happens, there is a tremendous amount of grief.

Grief, in a child, is the most tragic, because they don’t

Know how to deal with it.

They don’t have words to explain these feelings they can’t process.

It takes over every inch of their tiny bodies and they can’t cope.

If I have learned anything over the last year,

 I have learned that parenting a child, from hard places,

Requires therapeutic parenting.

Everything goes back to the heart.

There is not one area of her life that is not affected by the

Trauma that is the result of breaking the ties of birthmom and child.

 As Mother’s Day approaches,

I find myself in fearful anticipation.

I know this will be a hard day for our daughter.

I know she will be thinking of her first mom.

I know her heart will break.

If I am being honest, I would have to say, I am not looking forward to Mother’s Day.

Last year was an unending cycle of pain and suffering.

It was tragic.

Gearing up to face the day, I evaluate where we stand.

We have rebuilt many layers of development that were

Missed before she came to live with us.

There has been a tremendous amount of healing and growth.

I know I will always be Mommy #2,

And my hearts desire is to embrace that.

To cherish the special role God has given me.

I pray that God will grant our sweet girl peace and comfort throughout the day.

I pray that I will show her love beyond measure and

That she will know that her birthmom is an important part of who she is,

And that we are okay with that.

If you know a foster or adoptive Mom,

Please remember that this will be a hard day.

Send them love and encouragement.

Pray for them.

And love on them.

We need the support.

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A birthday is a Gift


What a day.

What a special, wonderful, amazing, beautiful day!

Today, we had the opportunity to celebrate our little girl’s 6th birthday.

This birthday was unlike any we have ever experienced before.

So different from celebrating Noah and Collin’s birthday.

A year ago, we were waiting to find out if we would be matched with a

Little girl who already had our hearts.

We had seen an old picture, in black and white, and heard some of her story.

I had spoken with her caseworker several times, and we were a few days away from

Finding out if we would she would join our family.

It seems so surreal.

The day we found out that we would be her Mommy and Daddy


Was such a special day.

We found out on Noah’s birthday.

The craziest part is, it is her birthday too!

So here we are, a year later, celebrating the life that has changed me in more ways

Then I knew possible.

And it is amazing.

What joy it was to stand in a room, overflowing with friends and family who

(Now) love her too.

What joy to know she is healthy and happy.

What a gift to see her eyes filled with tears and wonder

As she watched people pour in to a room

Decorated, for her, with balloons,

A beautiful cake, and presents…

And she knew they were all there for HER!


In many ways, I wanted to make up for birthdays that she celebrated

Away from us.

Birthdays that came with disappointment.

I wanted her to feel that


I wanted her to know that she is an important part of our family

And that we are so glad that she is here.

What a gift we have been given to be able to shower her.

Throughout the day, I saw the shadows of the past creep in on her.

It clouded the sun at times.

It was hard to see, but I am so thankful that

The memory of this day will impact her future birthdays.

I am so thankful for new memories and special days.

Next week, we will celebrate Noah.

I am looking forward to another special day with another one of my children.

What a blessing it is to be mom to 3 precious children.


I am thankful for the children that grew in my womb

And the one that grew in our hearts!

Happy birthday, Sweet Evelyn.

We love you very much!


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The word that has flooded my mind since I was a very young girl.

A word that, at times, seemed to taunt me.

Seemed to control my thoughts,

And bring sadness as it seemed to stay at arms reach

Never to be part of my reality.

I mourned what this word meant

As it didn’t seem to be part of me.

For years I longed to embrace this word.

To feel it.

To taste it.

To live it.

It was not the right time,

I had to wait.

Nearly 2 years ago, the word invaded the heart of my husband.

It enveloped his heart, the way it had mine.

God joined our hearts deeply in this way.

Two became one.


We researched.

We committed.

We learned.

We waited.

Nearly 8 months ago, I got a call.

A call about a little girl.

No picture, just a name and a story.

We said yes.

We waited.

and waited.

In March, we were matched.

It was official.

She would be ours and we would be hers.


It is like finding out you are pregnant after months of trying.

You are speechless, excited, nervous, joyful, happy.

A few weeks later, we met her.

She was there, in front of us.

Husband. Wife. Daughter.

Flesh and blood.

Heart on her sleeve and longing in her eyes.

I am sure her image reflected ours.

It was amazing.

I will never forget the moment we shared the same air for the first time.

It was beautiful.

It was ours.

It was hers.

A short visit, only a day.

A day, such a special day.


This moment.

She wanted to hold hands.

My heart jumped.

Later, we said goodbye.

My heart was sad.

A few days later, we returned to her.

The boys joined us this time.

Such excitement.

So much unknown.

So much Joy.


They met.




We were together.

The day flew by.

So fast, too fast.

We said goodbye again.

A few days would pass and we would return to our little girl.

She would come home with us this time.

Just for the weekend.

It was so good to have her here, we were home.

All of us.

Then we had to take her back.

It was hard.

Almost impossible.

A few days later, she came for good!

She was home.

Praise be to God.

Tomorrow will mark 19 weeks since that day.

The day where dream became reality.

The last 19 weeks have been unbelievably hard.

There have been so many days when I didn’t think I could make it.

So many battles I just couldn’t fight.

You have no idea just how hard.

So many hard days.

Things are shifting

Things are starting to gel.

We are figuring out how to love her.

How to love her well.

We are finding our needs to be met, daily,

By our great God.

We are finding joy in the little things,

And celebrating all good things.

I feel like my feet are finally finding footing.

I have messages to return.

I have people who love me and have checked on me,

That I just haven’t been able to respond to

Because I was almost unable to breath most days.

I hope, when I look back at this post in the future, I will rejoice in the journey.

I am so thankful God entrusted us with this precious girl.

She is a gem.

She is smart.

She is funny.

She is beautiful.

She is ours.

She is so much like me, at times,

I wonder how she is not biologically mine.

I am in love with her.


I am so thankful that SHE is how God has unfolded

Adoption for us.

For now.

As God has been walking us through our journey

He has become bigger to us.

He has shown us so much of how much he loves us

Through the gift of loving our daughter.

He is also opening our hearts to how adoption will be even more

Part of our life.

He is growing another child in our hearts.

We don’t know when, but we are confident that our time,

As a family of 5 will be short lived.

We are excited!!


What a gift.

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I don’t know where to begin.

I am sitting in my living room,

Just home from my morning walk.

The house is quiet.

Very quiet.

The faint sound of the dryer tumbling,

Creates a steady, calm background noise.

It is Monday morning.

The kids are in school this year.

They attend a local charter school and we have found our groove.

The transition from homeschool to school has been hard.



 The boys love being in school with other kids

And it is really challenging them in many ways.

Good ways.

I am figuring out what my new role looks like

And working to get my cookie business up and running.

I will discuss that more soon.

My days look completely different than they have for the first 8 1/2 years

And I have to say I am starting to enjoy the time I have alone.

I miss the boys, very much,

But I am treasuring our time together more and more.

I will be making some changes here, too.

Since starting this blog,

Nearly 6 years ago,

There have been many changes

In life and on the blog.

So, as I have done in the past,

I will try to mix things up a bit.

I plan on investing more time on these cyber pages

And sharing ways I make our, more limited time,


I plan to pick up my camera a little more and share stories of


I plan on sharing ways I am saving money,

Decorating our house as we are getting it ready to put on the market,

And ways we are trying new and exiting products…

For free.

I also want to share the exciting world of cookie making with you!

Happy Monday!!

You will hear from me soon!

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Learning Through Observation

As a mother…

I want to teach my children to:

Love one another.


Walk through life with courage.

Be independent.

Look out for each other.

Be compassionate.

Be caring.

Be grateful.

Be gracious.

Be respectful.

Love God.

Cherish one another.

And so much more.

The longer I am a mother,

The more I realize these things are all taught

By them watching what I do.

What their father does.

While they hear what I say, they watch what I do more closely than

Anything I intentionally to tell them.

That being said,

And knowing they are watching,

I begin to think about all of the other things I am teaching them.

I am pretty sure I will do many things that will be packed

Into the suitcases of their mind creating baggage they will carry for the





So many of the lessons I show them are reflections of fear.


There is that word again.

When I think about Mother’s Day,

I think about the role God has given me.

The gift of the children that he has entrusted to me.

I think of what I want them to learn by observation.

I think of what I wish I could hide from them.

Things that I know God doesn’t want to be a part of my life.

Things that many mothers need to be released from.

I am a child of God.

That should be where I find my identity.

I should hold to that FACT tightly.

This means I should NOT compare myself to others.

I am redeemed.

This changes everything.

My debt has been paid.

A debt I could never pay on my own.

I am forgiven.

I am forgiven.

I just want to sit in this thought for a moment.

EVERY day I wake up,

EVERY breath I take,

EVERY moment,

I need to remember I am forgiven.

My sins, and there are many, are washed away.

I am the mother God made for Noah and Collin.

If I would believe this truth,

I would not feel like a failure so often.

If God would have wanted a different mom for these

Precious boys, He would have done that.

He did not.

He chose me for the job!

The boys are not mine.

They are HIS!

There is so much freedom in knowing the boys are not mine.

I need to embrace this and live like this.

If I truly entrust my children into the hands of their Creator,

The pressure to always be perfect is released.

They have been entrusted to Aaron and I.


They are not ours.

They are HIS!

I will mess up.

This should not be a hard concept to wrap my brain around.

I am human.

I am sinful.

I do not know everything.

Therefore, I will mess up.

I need to trust that the God who holds the

Past, present, and future in the palm of His hands, knows this too.

I can not change God’s plan.

God is God.

His will, will be done.


I cannot throw a monkey wrench into the inner-workings of  His plan.

I need to relax.

Childhood moves fast.

I need to unplug more.

Stop comparing myself to other mom’s who do things “better” than I do them.

Interact more.

Yell less.

Be in the moment more.

Take more pictures.

Embrace spontaneous moments.

I need to stop questioning whether I deserve this life.


I deserve death.

BUT Jesus paid it all so I may have life.

I need to trust.


Easy, right?

Not so much.

I need to trust that God knows what He is doing.

IF I embrace these truths then the lessons the boys learn

Through observation will reflect the image of Christ.

What a gift.


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Spring, AHHHH!

Spring rain!

Yes, spring has finally sprung in our fair city!

We have waited and waited for the change of seasons

And as I type this morning,

The smell of fresh rain is wafting in through

My open dining room windows.

It is lovely.

Spring is quickly matching fall for my favorite time of the year.

I love thunderstorms and fresh flowers.

I also love seeing my neighborhood come to life.

We live in an old neighborhood in a nearly 100 year old home.

We all have front porches and we love to use them.

Spring time means the end of our hibernation and the beginning of months of porch

Sitting, iced tea drinking, and neighbor visiting.


Do you love spring as much as I do?

What is your favorite thing about spring?S

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Mindbender Mansion, COSI Giveaway!



One of the fears that God has been etching away from my life,

Is the fear that I will lose my children.

In February, the boys went to Georgia

With my parents.

Aaron and I stayed here.

The big change was noticed when I was able to miss them,

While still fully enjoying the time I had alone with my husband!

This balance was so beautiful, it was only made possible by the grace of God.

On Sat, Mar 23, I took the boys


To COSI for the day.

This was awesome!

It was so fun to spend the day with the boys,

In a big place and not have that terrible feeling

That they would be separated from me.

Now, let’s get down to business!

I was invited back to COSI to experience the new

Exhibit, Mindbender Mansion.


I can’t decide if the boys like this or the Lego’s exhibit we played with better.

When you enter Mindbender,

You get a piece of paper

And instructions to go from room to room and solve clues

By working various logic puzzles.

It was really challenging, but so much fun!

This exhibit really gets people working together too!

For some reason, I am unable to upload ANY pics,

So you will have to trust me when I tell you it is amazing!

The exhibit room has been transformed into a mansion.

We had a serious mental workout!

It was awesome!

The lovely folks at COSI

Have given me 2 Family 4 packs of tickets including 4 IMAX tickets

To the wonderful film Butterflies.

We watched the film while we were there and it was

Beautifully created and wonderfully informative.

So how do you enter?

All you need to do is leave me a comment telling me you want to win!

Enter once daily, if you’d like!

I will use to select 2 winners on Fri, Apr 12 at 9 a.m.

Please include your e-mail address in the comment so I can contact you!

Comments (20) »

The Great Dayton Flood

Last week I didn’t get the post up , that I had intended,

So I will do my best to get them up this week! 🙂

A week and a half ago,

My dad and I headed over to the The Dayton Art Institute

For the Social Media Preview night of the new

Exhibit, “Storm, Watershed and Riverbank”.

The Great Dayton Flood happened Easter weekend in 1913.

As I mentioned, my dad was my date for the evening.

When the invitation to the event showed up in my e-mail,

I asked Aaron if he would mind if I asked my dad to be my date.

Dad is a bit of a Dayton Geek.

In a good way,

He knows so much about the history of our fair city,

So I thought this would be right up his alley.

It was great to spend the time together, but even

Better to discover some interesting things about the city

While finding a photograph with the hotel where his dad stayed

When he moved to Dayton.

Dad had never seen it, so it was fun!


It lives in this picture, but if you want to find it you

Will need to go there to see it.

Considering that my father is my resident Dayton Historian,

I asked him if he would write about the flood itself.

So here it is: (He wrote it a week or so ago)

One century ago this week, Dayton, Ohio and the entire Miami Valley were devastated by a massive flood as torrential, seasonal rains supersaturated the ground and the resulting runoff brought the Wolf Creek and both the Mad and Stillwater rivers to levels above flood stage. Their surging waters met the already swollen Great Miami River in the heart of downtown Dayton. The resulting floodwater broke through the earthen levees and rose up to the second story windows in just a few hours, stranding merchants, families and others throughout the business district and the adjacent neighborhoods. Horses, wagons, railroad cars and entire homes were carried through the streets by the rushing waters. Entire blocks were destroyed by raging fires as people fled from attic to attic of adjacent buildings to escape the inferno. Over 300 souls were lost. Dayton was changed forever. The story is depicted in photographs, original art and relics in The Dayton Art Institute’s exhibit of The Great Dayton Flood of 1913. The exhibit also covers the aftermath, recovery, preventative improvements made to the rivers and even future plans for making The Great Miami Riverfront a focal point for the further revitalization of downtown Dayton.

The history of the flood is interesting,

And I remember hearing stories as I was growing up,

Of people stranded on rooftops or people rowing boats

Through city streets to help rescue the stranded Daytonians.

In the next 3 photos you see the same house photographed at

6 a.m.


8:30 a.m.


and 11 a.m.


As you can see, the water rose fast and the people must have been terrified.

The most amazing part of the exhibit is the

Parallel photographs.

The DAI hired an artist to recreate the images in the current location of the original.

It was so helpful to see the before and after.


The DAI also features some of the upcoming river based projects!

This made me excited as I think of the fun that could be had

If the community had the opportunity to utilize our river!


The exhibit is beautiful and respectfully done.

I highly recommend you make your way out before the exhibit ends, May 5.

And a special thanks for my dad for joining me!

If you are interested in hearing more from my dad,

Hop over to Eastwood Eagle Watchers

Where he posts about the eagles that have made Dayton their home.

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The Snow Is A Window To My Heart

It has been over a month since I last posted.

It isn’t for lack of fear fighting

Or life happening.

It is, in fact, the exact opposite!

Over the last month, God has asked me to trust him more.

He has asked me to fall into his arms and he has held me.

I have.

It is has been amazing!

Today is the Monday before Easter.

Snow is still falling onto the 6 or so inches that accumulated last night.

I am not a fan of snow.

I do not like it. at. all.

But today, I am making a point to acknowledge the beauty that snow creates.

It really is pretty.

Our dogwood tree would normally be covered in buds, maybe even

Blossoming already.

Oh how I long for the beautiful pink and white flowers that usher in

The fresh promise of warm weather,

Bare feet,

Bike rides,

Skinny boy legs streaming from shorts.

Today, however, I am thanking God for the beauty of this moment.

It is not easy for me.

My heart longs for warm weather,

And my boys are itchin to run free on open fields.

That is not what God has given us.

That is not what He desires for us.

So my heart sits in sin.

The weather is allowing me to see how I put my wants

In front of His desires.

In front of what he has given me.

Isn’t what He has given me enough?

Why do I always want more??

Why do I feel like I deserve warm weather?

When I look at it, I deserve death.

Death apart from Him.

But He has saved me, through no payment or doing of my own.

He has sacrificed His Son, and I am feeling sorry for myself,

Because I have to sit through another snow,

In my warm house,

With my Children,

AND a cup of hot tea.

And I have the audacity to find discontentment

Instead of thanksgiving.

You see, my friend, this is what I have been learning.

God has been showing me how I fall short.

He doesn’t leave me in my mess,

He offers salvation, forgiveness, help, love, peace.

He offers Himself, nothing less.

SO while I sit here this morning,

Trying to be sincerely thankful for the snow,

I still fail.

In my heart, I don’t want it,

Even more, my desire is to be more like Him.

It is a process.

One I pray I will continue to walk through until he calls me home.

As the week goes on, I plan to share some fun we have been having

Around the Dell house.

I know the tone of my posts has been really heavy,

I am not apologizing for it, but I do want to lighten the mood around here.

One of the things God is showing me

Is the importance of balance.

I feel I tend to be pretty heavy on here,

And I want this to be a place where I can share

Fun times and serious matters.

So, my next few posts will be fun ones. 🙂

In December I will celebrate 6 years of blogging, you think I would have

A better handle on it by now.

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